We don't want to alarm you—at least not until you pick a movie—but witches are fucking everywhere and you don't even know. They might look, sound, and seem like normal people… because they usually are. Normal people, but evil. And when they get together to plot new ways to steal souls for the devil, you can bet there'll be nudity, chanting, and cackling. So, so much cackling.
Listen, seriously, if you see one witch, there are definitely more. It's likely that you stumbled completely by accident into the middle of a witch-spiracy that secretly controls the entertainment industry, like in Starry Eyes (2014) or something. Maybe it's just a secret, perfectly executed plot to sacrifice you for the harvest, like in The Wicker Man (1973).
It pays to watch your back if you even think witches might be coming for you. When we say they're everywhere, we mean everywhere. Anyone you know could be one of the Daughters of Satan (1976). Your wife? She's a witch for sure. Your new neighbors? Witch family. Your cousin and her friend with the accent? Witches. Your mom? Witch queen. What about dad? Your accountant? The mailman? Your boss? Witches. Witches. Witches. All of them, witches.
There are a three questions to ask yourself if you suspect that a nefarious black magic conspiracy is closing in around you:
1: Most importantly, did you just move into a new home? As Polanski (who clearly knew his witches) demonstrated in the incredible, unmissable classic Rosemary's Baby (1968)--and also its forgotten-but-beautiful Italian sister-film The Perfume of the Lady In Black (1974)--you can't be too careful picking a new apartment. Always be upfront: ask the neighbors if they're witches before you move in. Don't wait, or it could be too late.
2: Have you recently given birth? It's important to keep the baby safe until you can baptize it (and after that too, we guess) because if there's one thing that the modern cinematic masterpiece The Witch (2016) taught us, it's that an unbaptized babe is like catnip for Satan. Witches will do anything to get their hands on your baby, and once they get it, you're definitely next.
3: Has a too-good-to-be-true opportunity recently presented itself to you? If so, does something feel “off” but you can't be sure what, exactly, it is? Perhaps someone you didn't know well but who was involved in the situation before you arrived has recently died under strange and violent circumstances. If this is the case, you may be in a Suspiria (1977) situation. Dario Argento's color-drenched, psychotic magnum opus delivers a chilling lesson in witch awareness: incredible opportunities are almost always just a cruel witch's trap.
Witches show up in all kinds of movie environments, for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes a witch is just a confused teenage girl discovering something new about herself, like in The Craft (1996) or a terrifying, cackling half-zombie like in the Spanish horror/comedy Witching & Bitching (2013).
No matter what though, witches are super dangerous. By the time you realize that they're even there, it'll most likely be too late to do anything about it. In fact, it's probably not a good thing to really worry about: if it's witches, you're totally fucked. Nobody escapes a witch. May as well put on a movie – here, go ahead and pick one of ours. Make sure to rate it if you finish it, if you don't... eh... whatever, say hey to Satan for us.
Witches & Witchcraft
Released: 19 Jul 2013 |
Director: James Wan
Paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren work to help a family terrorized by a dark presence in their farmhouse.
Released: 26 Feb 2016 |
Director: Robert Eggers
A family in 1630s New England is torn apart by the forces of witchcraft, black magic and possession.